If this post makes you feeling deeply uncomfortable then please don't read this particular post on my personal blog. (But don't instantly say I didn't truthfully warn you either about not giving a trigger warning.)
Please seek any available help immediately by contacting the helpline or otherwise please seek any available counseling if you can.
Also all names which had been mentioned below in all of the stories will all be changed due to the privacy concern and identity concern.
Trigger warning; mentions of abuse, estranged relationship: miscommunication; toxic relationships plus bullying (If you hate miscommunication then again, don't read this particular blog post on here; on my personal blog but don't say I didn't warn you either about how I don't put a trigger warning of this post!) And jealousy [Jealousy is the most common issue we all have unfortunately].
Plus the picture inserted below isn't my picture at all. Credits to Alpine Racing Team via X, Pierre Gasly: X and the original people whom they did their magic behind the scenes both in person and in real life.
Don't re-upload or re-post the picture to any of the other platforms especially P*nt*r*st—thank you.
(*Author turns on one of her favorite music CD from her own huge collection of the physical and the original copies of the music CDs which I do truthfully missed it like crazy to this present day; plus it started off with either "Film out" by BTS if it is a physical copy of a BTS music CD on 'The very best of BTS" 4 music disc set from my music CD player playing in the background from an imaginary apartment where I am living at the area of Waikiki while working at any of the available jobs where I can get my hands on it; obviously or otherwise, if it is a music CD on the 'The very best of RnB music" Then "Unbroken vows" by an unknown artist from Cozy Sounds would be the very first soundtrack from the physically copy of the "The very best of relaxing RNB" CD then followed by "Promise" from another similar 'RnB' video playlist compilation post as well as "Our love" which is from the same 'RnB' video playlist compilation which is from the same YT Channel Cozy Sounds which does loads of the 'RnB' Video playlist compilations which I would clearly imagine that I would played it from my very own music CD player as an actual original yet a physical copy of the music CD*)
Plus playlist does looks like this from my imaginary version of both the original and the physical copy of the "The very best of the relaxing RNB" CD I would have found it from Hungry Ear record store in Honolulu, Oahu: Hawaii:
Note: All of those songs can be found from a YT channel known as Cozy Sounds as you can search for it and listen to many of their R & B video playlists you can listen to it online and imagine you are truthfully listening to it either from a physical music vinyl player with both the physical and the original copy of the vinyl or a physical music CD player with the equally physical and the original copy of the music CD I am truthfully talking about here obviously.
Or an actual computer with an actual disc drive if you consider choosing to put it on Windows Media Player before the changes to WMP.
1. Unbroken vows
2.Promise
3. Long distance love
4. Our love
5. Lonely hearts
6. Lost without you
7. Endless feelings
8. Whispers of the heart
9. Parting words
10. The end of love
11. In dreams
12. Heartache
13. Faded memories
14. Endless echoes
15. You are my light
16. Can't get enough
17. Tears in the rain
18. Forever strong
19. Rest my heart
20. Midnight whispers
21. Lonely nights
22. Whisper love
23. Falling stars
Okay, so where do I get it started? So . . . this is one of the post I did felt as if it is very personal to me ever since I did felt as when I did saw the pictures of both Esteban Ocon (A.k.a Estie Bestie as I usually call him "Estie" these days as he is one of my favorite F1 drivers apart from Logan, Alex; Zhou and some of the other drivers I do truthfully have the full on level of genuine respect for them except for certain drivers thus no offense to everyone who is truthfully reading this particular post and interact with my personal blog on my Blogspot if you truthfully liked the Haasbands or even VB then more power to you for liking either one of the drivers I've mentioned it earlier, a pair of drivers I've mentioned it earlier or otherwise it might be all three of them I've mentioned it earlier.) And Pierre Gasly whom the both of them had unexpectedly finished in both P2 (Estie) and P3 (Pierre) during the ending the featured race which I do possibly think the Alpine Team does well in wet races ever since it has been a long and a tough rollercoaster journey for the both of them otherwise I would say it would have been a long, lengthy; challenging and a tiring journey of what exactly they have to truthfully went through in their F1 Career of this year plus I am very happy about the part where both Pierre and Estie had decided to put aside all of their own differences, feuds and also the personal issues they have between each other plus it is a very nice chapter to see the both of them getting a double podium mix on Estie with P2 a.k.a 2nd place and Pierre with P3 a.k.a 3rd place at a location like Interlagos as I do feel there is an invisible sense of magic bringing them the reconnection between both of the Alpine French drivers: clearly.
Some would also say it might help them to give the "Cleansing" vibes especially how this year does feels truthfully tense, difficult; challenging and even dark at certain times and certain events plus some would also say the year 2024 too could be a wild year as well however I do think it is more a complex, tense; crazy (More as when we are talking about it in both a good, bad; hard and crazy; wild plus perhaps also dumb and **** in the very few people who would certainly think about the two words to complete the sentence: "The good, the bad and the dumb" or "The good, the bad and the ****".) Challenging, painful; emotionally joyful and tragic as well.
I know it does feels difficult to simply say this year is a difficult year thus I know there are so many different events we have to truthfully experience it in our very own lives. From the news of how people are exposed for their actions (Looking at Diddy), how there are countries where there are wars to also the death of Liam who is a member of the famous boy band 1 Direction and also some events where it does feels as if it is a light shedding onto the darkest event of everyone's lives; for example: Allisha Gray is the first woman who did won both the skill challenge and the 3 point basketball challenge of this year's WNBA All Stars Challenge; how all four of the members whom they are part of the famous K-Pop Girl Band Blackpink are now all thriving individually on their own without the backing up of the YG Entertainment company, and how this years' F1 Season has been a roller coaster ride especially with the Brazilian GP of this year had brought it's magic to reunite the Alphine men to put their beef, differences and feud aside while Max on the other hand prove he can still win the featured race just as he shushes the people who did truly criticize him and his racing skills by going from P17/ 17th Position in qualifying to winning the featured race despite how he had the drama with the FIA.
And this year has been also a very tough year for me as well personal although I am an actual human being and not an actual super human with special abilities or super powers nor an actual robot who is usually chronically online.
Plus I know many of you are wondering why this year alone was very complex for me to truthfully face the challenges from life itself as well as experiencing the actual/ authentic feelings of joy, peace and love—unfortunately; this year had been a deeply difficult year for me as I do have to went through countless arguments and fights with my very own birth and estranged family whom by the time when I did truly get older; I did felt as if I am definitely living with three room mates under the one and only same roof as when we are forced to truthfully share the house, the space and also having to truthfully experience the full-on level of the pressure by having to truly live with them out of obligation and the pressure of avoiding becoming homeless to truthfully ease the burdens you had to truthfully went through in your very own life.
Not to mention sometimes sharing a space with others does feels burdening at times however I wouldn't say living alone does makes it even more easier than you could possibly think as living alone at your home can be as burdening as living with a partner who would definitely take an advantage of you and also when they did target you when you did hit your lowest point of your very own life and yet the question is "What if the 'true' invisible face mask of the "Actual" nice person they are actually wearing it has fallen off from their own faces and yet they had shown their 'true' colors of a 'true' narcissist they have revealed it behind the 'nice person' mask?"
And unfortunately; this is type of experience I did have to went through in my very own life every single day with my very own birth and unconditionally plus sincerely an estranged family as well ever since there is always nothing but always fighting, tension; miscommunication: jealousy: instant rages and loads and perhaps countless signs you can definitely count the number of red flags *we do have lost the number of counts onto how many of the red flags *we do have to truthfully face it though.
(*Everyone in what feels like truly like an unconditionally and an equally plus sincerely estranged family where there are always instant jealousy, rage bombs and miscommunication as well as how we always kept on blaming each other and pointing out the blame and the fault by having to truly put the blame on the other person just as when they are painting them as the "Actual villain" of the story while having to also play the victim by pulling out both the victim card and the victim flag at the same time and I am feeling truthfully and equally yet sincerely drained, burned out and exhausted by all of the drama I did have to went through with them despite how I am feeling the painful pressure to continue working with the estranged mother at the Traditional Chinese Clinic where I am a "so-called" assistant manager; receptionist and also a cleaner as well as sometimes I do have to clean the shop while she gets to be a doctor and the actual manager of the shop as well.)
*Author's note: The people and the experience I am truthfully speaking about both the unconditionally and sincerely estranged family members I am now currently living with them at a brand new house where they had confirmed it is their actual dream house at a brand new and a different area where my current estranged older cousin whom I used to have a relationship between me and her however by the time when she and I we both agreed to disagreed with each other about the whole "Five years time" plus above and beyond about five years times on living at the brand new house and this is where all of the sudden we both stopped speaking to each other which does feels strange at first since we both spoke to each other before the "Agree to disagree" moment we both had it and now it didn't feel strange anymore as miscommunication between everyone nowadays does feels "All too common" for us these days and it doesn't hit me too close to home as intensely as poor communication especially whenever there are screaming and shouting involve as well as losing your temper and storming off out of jealousy, abandonment; sadness and anger towards the other person which does hits me way too close to home intensely in my very own opinion. And yes, I'll be repeating this several times mostly for the reason that I am truthfully single and unmarried permanently but unavailable both romantically and s*xually ever since it is truthfully foreign for me to truthfully experience a "realistically healthy" relationship between me and the other person and yet people don't realize how sometimes abuse both does and truthfully change you in every step of the way and sometimes it does affects you permanently in your very own life to the actual breaking point where you did felt truly uneasy, numb: scared and anxious about how you would meet the other person and how would you treat them in the way you want to be treated and vice versa by the other person.
Plus having an equally both an actual and an imperfectly healthy relationship between me and someone does always feels truthfully foreign to me ever since I didn't have an actual relationship where there are always going to be green flags in the relationships ever since many of the relationships I do have with other people aren't always a very healthy ones as unfortunately, I did experience loads of unhealthy ones along the way and it does truthfully hurts me really deeply the most.
Since I am on the topic of how I am now realistically speaking of any of the unhealthy relationships I did experienced it in my very own life outside of my family: I did experienced loads of unhealthy relationships back at school where unfortunately I did experienced an endless experiences of it obviously.
And when I say loads of it obviously ever since I am still reeling the amount of pain over the part where unfortunately I did got into a heated argument with former classmates to the point where I did ended up crying in class except however I am still feeling the pressure and also the pain plus the force to truthfully go to school especially when I am hitting at the lowest point of my very own life.
For example; H who is a former classmate I used to be with him both during a year in primary level then we met again at the International School Status where we are only class mate in both IT class (Block 1) and English class as well.
H is a classmate whom I used to be classmate with him back when I was in year 5, we used to work at English class on a duo project before then we got into a heated argument in a different subject class and he didn't truly apologize for how he had treated me so harshly and how he had hurt me emotionally to the point where to this very day; I am still feeling deeply shaken to the core of this particular memory and for the rest of the school year, neither of us interacted with each other.
He had his friends to interact and mingle with; I, on the other hand was very much alone and yet I truthfully didn't have much friends apart from the upper classmen students whom thankfully remained friendly with me for the remaining school year before they all head off to the choice of university or college where they heading off too and also two of my former primary school girl friends whom I am going to call them both A and H2 ever since I still fondly still remembered about my friendship with them ever since 2003 with H2 and with A since 2006 until 2008 where our remaining final years at primary school is winding down to an actual end and to this day; I do truthfully miss them so much and also the friendship between all three of us together despite during the first year of school where we all started at the same level; A and I—we weren't good friends at that time however we became friends back in either 2006 or 2007 that is.
For H2 and I—we were very good friends all the way until the final years of our primary school level despite how I do wish I would have spoke with her about how she shouldn't be taking a school library book which I had borrowed it from the school library.
On a serious yet an irrelevant note; I know the school librarians I used to met them there would still hold grudges against me to be honest and I am not possibly joking about it to be honest, everyone.
Plus on a much different note but to add more insult into the wound, I have experienced class mates who wanted me to do something really uncomfortable and yet I don't think it is truthfully allowed to be done at school such as a group of real life "Mean girls" (More on that story either from this particular post later on or from another separate post since I do have something to say about *DA {*Dreams Academy} and "Pretty little things" does have similarities except the only difference is "Pretty little things" is more of a ballet school setting and DA is more of a K-Pop competition type of reality TV show which does reminds me of something similar to "Making the band" or "Pussycat dolls represents: The search for the next doll" or "Pussycat doll represents 'Girlicious'" which now looking back, I'd think "Girlicious" is just . . . a cheap American Girl Group whom they didn't truly last long at all especially when there are only three girls left in the group plus the songs on their second full album would have been better if it is altered from the original sound—not sped up or slowed but altered in a different way; just one pitch up—I'd think.) Whom they did ask me to kiss a class mate back when I was younger and then S whom I am going to call them as a former class mate of mine back when I was at school had threatened me to truthfully tell my parents about how I would tried to kiss him when I'd think the actual blame is on the group of the "Mean girls" whom they had asked me to truthfully kiss him for real.
Plus I also hated those "Mean Girls" whom they did tried to be friends with me by having to treat me in the way you wanted to be treated however I truthfully hated the way they ask me to completely kiss a classmate of mine and then yet, back in 2009 when we are in form 1(Yes, we as when we are truthfully talking about the "Mean girls" class mates plus I—we all are in the same secondary school level and the same school year as well.)—They did definitely wanted to ask me the question on who is my actual "Boyfriend" as a "Truth or dare" question when I did have no actual interest in an actual relationship yet having to truthfully get an actual boyfriend at the same time when we are just at school.
And to this day; I still truthfully hated those 'Mean girls' I do have to truthfully hang with them back when I am at school as the thought of it does sincerely angers me to this day about why on earth they would have ask me such a personal yet an uncomfortable question about "Do you have a boyfriend" especially when we are truthfully talking about asking this question at an environment where you are supposed to focus only on your very own studies and your very own career as well as your very own life in general thus I do hated the way they had asked me this type of question which does feels both personal and serious yet also it does feels uncomfortable and truthfully embarrassing to truthfully answer this type of question to be honest; like seriously, I truthfully hated those 'Mean girls' I have to hang with them to this very currently.
But to add the insult into the wound, what if this does happens at an actual work place where you may not know perhaps some if not either all or most of your co-workers can be extremely nosy at certain times when you are sincerely talking about your very own personal life?
Unless if they are a group of people whom you can sincerely confide in them mostly because of what exactly you are truthfully going through a tough time or a rough time in your very own life plus yet you also need a group of people whom you truthfully confide in them yet having to truthfully give you the well-deserved comfort you couldn't either find it in either your own family or the 'so-called' friends you have to made along the way.
In addition to keeping your personal life as privately as you can while refraining from speaking about it at a certain place where at certain times; there could be a group of nosy co-workers who would do anything to take an advantage of your life story and yet having to talk to other people just as when they do think it is nothing but regular daily gossip whom they think they can actually get away with it; I wouldn't sincerely and possibly dare to confide in a group of 'Mean girls' whom when you did spoke to them about the relationship between you and somebody else (Not just love partners but also family members and perhaps friends whom dejectedly they do have both a vendetta and also the hidden jealousy towards you about how you have something they didn't have it in their very own life.) Especially when the relationship is sincerely both toxic and abusive at the same time thus would even dare confide in those group of people who would do anything to truthfully take an advantage of your very own life story just as when they think it is nothing but regular gossip or worse; a story where they think can simply let you know you should try to stay away from the person who is truthfully responsible for all of the forms of abuse towards you yet how they too are practically responsible for all their abusive acts towards you, sweetie--thus the question is "Would you possibly dare to confide in a group of nosy people to let them listen to all of your life horror stories yet alone having to truthfully put the level of sincere trust into them to keep it as a secret to be honest?"
I mean; I wouldn't definitely dare to possibly trust a group of nosy people to confide in them on listening to all of your life stories especially one where it does involves the endless amount of both the violence and the abuse plus the trauma and the traumatic experience you do have to truthfully experience it to be honest in my very own opinion.
Plus since we are truthfully talking about an actual relationship for a person whom she haven't experienced an actual relationship and yet having a "true" and a sincerely healthy relationship fulfill with an equal amount of a waves of equal amount of sincere: steady and the "truly" unconditional amount of the love and support everyone would have truthfully experience it and yet having the "sincerely yet the unconditionally invisible" breathing room where you can allow to be your "true" self without people having to truthfully be judgmental about anything about you in general—whether we are talking about physical looks, your sexuality status; your relationship or anything else in general: you know what exactly I am speaking about here in general.
Additionally, yes: I did truly hit rock bottom at a very early age just as when school does feels like an actual pain in the bum just for me, myself and I obviously.
Not to mention I already did truly experience the dreadful feeling of hitting rock bottom so hard when I did first started school back in 2003 way before I went to an actual private school thus I did went to a public school before I did went to an actual private school; everyone.
And also school was hard for me everyone; it was hard for me that is.
Not because I don't want to go to school nor I truthfully hated school. (I know I do truthfully sounded as if I do truthfully hated school but . . . To be honest; let's just say I do actually struggle with school not because I did truly disliked school but more so of a different reason as a struggling ex school student, I do actually struggled at school mostly for the part where I did felt as the school teachers are talking way too fast and you did pretended to truthfully put in the level of the fullest attention to the whole lesson based on what does the teacher had to said during today's lesson and yet my mind refuses to focus on taking down the notes from what does the teacher does have to say in today's lesson and all it wants to definitely do is to daydream about skipping school altogether for real; no joke—I am a terrible student unfortunately despite how thankfully some of the teachers does treated me with a genuine level of patience.)
Plus I know school can be a real struggle at times however I don't truthfully recommend staying quiet, pretending to put the full-on attention on class and then suddenly when the teacher had pointed at you to answer a very challenging question then you suddenly felt as when you are feeling truthfully nervous just as when you have an actual stage fright however it is more of an actual class room fright instead of a stage fright and then all of the sudden; the whole class would ended up laughing at you: making you feeling truthfully embarrassed; angered; enraged, upset; annoyed: hurt and deny the part where you have been picked the school teacher or a professor at university about how do they want you to answer a very hard question and yet you don't truly understand what exactly are they saying obviously.
Instead, I would say "Raise your hand, ask them if they can repeat the lesson again just for you and the other students whom they too are struggling and yet they did know it is spoken in English however the way the teacher spoke about it was so challenging not only for you to truthfully understand what were they saying in today's lesson but to also let them know that you do needed the level of patience you and many of the students by having to truthfully understand it just for you." And to make school easier; I would say one of the things I would recommend is to definitely get involved are taking up any of the different activities at school just to make sure you can do the activities at a very early age thus when you are heading off to college, university and definitely job searching and job hunting then this where you do have an additional experience of the additional activities you did it back at school can help you to add to the resume which does add the brownie points to it plus also, don't ever sincerely get involved yourself into any of the activities especially when it is one where it does involves bullying in any different forms thus bullying isn't always and genuinely okay in general thus if you do have a friend, or friends if there are two or more people where they did truthfully get toxic at certain times: for example how they would tried to take an advantage of you by having to use you at certain times followed by how they want you to do something against the school rules or to do anything which makes you feeling genuinely uncomfortable (I know I do loads of several different class mates whom they did that to me obviously back in my school days and I do wish I can possibly step up to them without possibly getting into an actual fight and yet having to truthfully get myself into trouble as well thus unfortunately there are always class mates and school mates who won't treat you in the way you want to be treated to be honest, everyone.) In addition to how they wanted to pretend to be the "Good friends" of yours but instead, they only wanted to use you and the friendship between you and them as a way to cope with their own misery (Just as the saying goes "Misery loves company) plus yet, they sometimes places the blame on you and yet thinking you are the one who is responsible for what you had done despite how you didn't do anything wrong and yet you have been the one to be blamed for as they place the blame on you instead of doing the both the hardest and the most seldom thing to do which is to own their mistakes and to spoke about you about how do they sincerely apologize to you for the actions they did towards you and yet having both parties to forgive each other not because of the other person sake as an obligation to forgive others but more so as to free yourself from the pain of holding the grudge against the other person.
And sadly, this too applies with your very own family members too as well ever since both my unconditionally estranged birth mother and I do have this type of relationship too as well ever since I did noticed she does treated both me and my one and only birth yet an equally and unconditionally estranged younger brother in a very different way as I did noticed she does have a "toxic boy mom" symdrome ever since I did noticed how she does treated me very differently to the way she had treated him (My one and only birth yet an equally unconditionally plus estranged birth younger brother I do have as both the one and only lone younger brother yet he is also the same birth younger brother whom we [Both my one and only birth younger brother and I—whom we both are siblings at birth however we both have an unconditionally estranged relationship between him and I as you know what I am exactly talking about here on my personal blog here via my Blogspot.] Both are birth siblings at birth as I am either 3 years older or 4 years older than him and vice versa on how he is truthfully younger than me at about either 3 years younger than me or perhaps 4 years younger than me however when you did truthfully ask me about the relationship between me and him—unfortunately *the both of us does have both an actual and yet an unconditionally estranged relationship between me and him ever since I did noticed about how my unconditionally estranged birth mother had treated him very differently and yet there are certain times where I did truthfully got jealous of the relationship between the both of them ever since she had treated him just as when she thinks **he is an actual boyfriend to her instead of her very own actual birth son.
(*Again, I am truthfully/ genuinely speaking about the actual estranged relationship between my unconditionally estranged birth younger brother and I.)
(**He-Referring to my one and only actual birth younger brother whom he and I—we both have a realistically and equally an unconditionally estranged relationship between me and him ever since the very beginning ever since I do have a realistically deep level of jealousy towards their love towards him from the beginning of his birth until now.)
Anyway, this is a very long post from me to everyone however I do want to truthfully share about my own personal thoughts and my very own personal experience of what exactly I went through in my very own life about how does the relationship between both Pierre and E. Ocon does truthfully hits me way too close to home personally as this does reminds me a lot of how I did have a toxic relationship between me and my very own family/ ohana as well as everyone else as well when I met along the way plus yes, there will be a follow-up post as a second part or a part 2 of this particular post alone as I'll spoke about the toxic relationship between me and my unconditionally estranged family members especially my unconditionally estranged birth mother and brother thus I know it is going to a very long post thus buckle up on your very own roller-coaster ride, your driver's seat and your passenger seat when you are reading the next post.
Anyway, see you on the other side; everyone.
